I Don't Know What Keeps Me Going

I'm too fat. Maybe that's it.
Or I'm too ugly. That can't be it because every adult my mom knows has said I'm beautiful.
Maybe I need to work harder on my looks. But there's not much I can do.

I think my friends and some other people are having a party this weekend.
Other friends that aren't invited or some other day are probably going to the mall this weekend... like they do every weekend.
You can probably guess what I'm doing this weekend. Nothing.

I want to cut again. But I'll feel guilty because my dad saw scratches on my arms and told me that my aunt used to cut and I lied and said I didn't.

I seriously do not know how I'm still here, how I am still going to that hell of a school. I'm contemplating homeschooling but then I'll be more lonely. And another, little part of me is hoping that this will pass.
Maybe M is the reason. I don't know. I'm at that point where I don't want to die without knowing if there was/is anything there.
I'm so fucking scared to talk to him because all his friends are asses and I am terrified of getting judged and hurt.

I'm really sorry if I brought you down with this depressing post.

xoxo,
Abbey