Sunday, April 10, 2011


Hey girlies :)

Been gone for... 6 days. Almost a week. I haven't been feeling up to posting.

I got sick on Thursday. Didn't go to school that day or Friday. It sucked. I guess there was a party on Friday 'cause people were talking about it? I don't know. And I don't quite care 'cause it was at someone-I-have-never-really-been-friends-with's house... I think.

I feel quite disgusting right now. I'm gonna go wash my face, clean my makeup brushes, brush my teeth, all that jazz.

Oh, and Food's been... okay. Not the best I can do. But the good has been out-ruling the bad... like 80% to 20%.

Stay lovely,

Monday, April 4, 2011

Being Happy With Myself

Hello, girlies :)
How was your weekend? 
Sorry I was gone.

Friday night, I went to a party type thing. I saw M... every time I say I'm over him, I'm lying to myself. He looked super awkward because everyone was jumping up and down and dancing and fist-pumping. But a guy came up to me and said hi and gave me a high-five... I wish I got his name or something. Another guy kept dancing around me and my friends. He was kinda cute but not really my type.
Saturday was a very active day. I went to a 5k walk/run, which is a little over 3 miles :D I walked most of the time and ran maybe 4 times with my friends. After, I went to lunch with E and then me, E, A, and S all went to the mall. Lots of walking :D. A little later, we all went to a birthday party for D. There was drama and a bunch of us left some people and went walking around the neighborhood.
I'm gonna guess I walked 5 miles on Saturday.
I didn't eat a ton, either so... I looked pretty good that day :)

Intake (Saturday):
Breakfast: Kashi cereal w/ almond milk, mixed berries, apple
Lunch: hot dog :(, Turkey Club on a whole-wheat bagel, V8
Snack: chocolate yogurt w/ coconut
Dinner: 2 small slices of pizza (1 pepparoni and 1 plain cheese), ice cream cake, 1 small brownie, 1 small slice of bread, Diet Lime Cola
And lots of water.

That sounds like a lot but, a year-and-a-half ago and it would've been double (maybe even triple, if I hadn't decided to lose weight)that and/or with about 10,000 calories. Eep. Also, I probably wouldn't have gone to the party, the mall, the birthday party, any of that.

Today, I didn't eat much. I don't get hungry much anymore. I ate:
-Egg Beaters (about 105 calories total)
-apple(s)... can't remember if I had one for breakfast but I definitely had one for lunch
-3 cups of coffee w/ stevia and creamer
-high fiber tortilla w/ 1 tbsp pb
-some pretzel crisps
-pb & banana smoothie thingy
-3 Weight Watchers Toffee bars
-half of a very disgusting cupcake
-& lots of water
-oh, and gum

Geez, that sounds like a shitton of crap... urg :(

I think I'm going to try the Special K Challenge w/ Mom... I leave for my Spring Break in a little over 2 weeks. 

So, I got the Versatile Blogger Award from Leto. Thank you :)

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Got the thank you down :)

1. Did you have a girl who was overweight and nerdy in your class? I did... it was me. 
2. I was always bullied when I was younger and, last year, I was cyber-bullied
3. My real name isn't Abbey. 
4. I can be a bitch but I'm a sophisticated bitch
5. I've never cried for someone (unless they died) or cried in a movie. 
6. I've always had some weird interest in cutting, eating disorders, drug use, alcoholism, etc.
7. My mom overprotects and has no idea what I know, what I've seen, or what I've done. 

Since everyone I follow or know of has gotten this award and has posted about this, I bestow (never thought I'd use that word!) this award to: 

Love ya, 

I imagine my thighs like this.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Hey girlies :)

Decided I'm over M. I don't know why... I just remember a guy from this summer that told my cousin that he liked me and he is kinda cute and he knows the guys at my school though he doesn't go there and he goes to the fish fries sooo... yup. Holy run-on sentence, batman! I could see me dating him and lip-kissing unlike when I liked M so... we'll call him B, okay? For now at least. Probably won't hear about him since he doesn't go to my school.

Food's been good. Ran out of V8... boo. I got my period, too. :( I haven't had a legit period since about August so... 7 months. Wow.

Not much else.

Oh, 6 followers now :). Thank you for following!


ps. Made plans with E to go to the mall this weekend! I'm excited... I can kind of imagine us taking pictures of each other, me with some goofy hat and nerd glasses in Hot Topic. lol I kinda like that place. We invited J and D, but D can't go and J doesn't know yet. I still have to ask A and M (girl) if they want to go too.
pps. I am in love with the band "Tonight Alive". My favorite song is "To Die For"

Thursday, March 24, 2011


Hey there.

Um... not much has gone on. Feeling alone a lot this week... maybe it's 'cause of all this school musical stuff. I don't know. One of my friends was a lead and she was so effing amazing. She's super pretty and thin... makes me jealous. Anyway, I have to do the same thing again tomorrow. There's a dance going on and a Fish Fry thing... just found out about the dance so I'm not going and no one's going to Fish Fry 'cause of the play. 

Been reading Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. It explains how your hormones work with your metabolism. I took notes for Mom since she wants to do this with me and I told her I'd read the book so she wouldn't have to. I probably sound mean, but I don't think she can do it... its legit organic food you have to eat. The book also explains how your body doesn't know how to process the calories in processed food, high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, etc, and turns them into fat. I'm might post the notes in a little tab thing at the top when I finish it... hoping that happens tomorrow. If you want to get full details, I recommend reading the book.

My dad said he was gonna get our treadmill out of the basement and into someplace so I won't have to run by myself and get kidnapped.  hehe

I'll read blogs tomorrow. 
Hope you all have a good weekend :)


ps. I saw the girl that ruined my reputation tonight. Bitch. Didn't talk to her. I don't like her and I don't understand why everyone else does. She does drugs and drinks at parties, thought she was pregnant (you can't get preggers from butt sex, bitch), and God knows what else.  I wanna tell her off. 
pps. Still in love with M. He sends me mixed signals. I hate it. 
I wish someone told me the truth so I could finally stop wondering and get on with my life.

Monday, March 21, 2011

How Long Will This Take?

I hate clothes.
I tried my new clothes on. The shirts were fine on the tummy, acceptable to wear in public with a little stretching. They made my boobs look huge, as do everything else that is not a fucking hoodie. The pull-over thingie looked wrong on me because of my big boobs. And the short were too tight on my thighs... I hate this.
Someone, take them. I hate them. I'm short and they look all wrong.

I love clothes.
I love online shopping. I'm afraid someone will judge me if I go into a store. I won't go with my friends because I don't want to have to ask "Does this make me look fat?". I have to go with my mom or grandma and it doesn't work because my mom will end up fighting and it gets awkward something with grandma. Also, I can look for hours, past closing time, and not have to try a thing on.

Your view on clothes?

I just want to look/feel good in them. I can't wait for that day when I can wear skinny jeans and have a pretty gap between my thighs. When I can wear horizontal stripes and not look like I'm 11 feet wide. When I can wear a shirt that is too big and still look thin. When I can wear shorts and not be ashamed. When I can wear a bikini... oh, the list goes on.

How long will I have to wait? How long will this take?

I want to be the poster-child for petite girls. Thin. Small thighs. Small boobs. Everything small, I guess.


Sunday, March 20, 2011


Oh God. I'm sorry for the depressing (2) posts. No more... for awhile. Kapeesh?

E said "We should go to the mall sometime!" and it kinda caught me off guard. Oh well....
Went shopping with Mom today... bought 4 pairs of shorts, I think 3 shirts, a pull-over type thing. I was going to buy some shoes, too, but everyone has them and I don't like being like everyone... so I didn't. I would have bought a few hoodies because that's the only thing I'm comfortable wearing.
I hate my arms,
my legs,
my face (the shape),
and especially my stomach.
Mom said I was skinny but I don't see it. I'm short so my weight is too high and all I see is fat on my thighs and stomach... I don't see how that can be.
Silly Mommy.

Nothing else, really.
Have a good week.
My goals for this week: cardio everyday, finish my book by Tuesday, finish the other book by Friday, ... yup.


Topshop Mesh And Velvet Panel Dress

Levis Shorts

50's Dress From Bikbok

ps. I am in love with LIGHTS. Give her a listen. She's thinspo, as well :)
pps. Do you like the new backround thingy? I think its more "happy" compared to the other one :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I Don't Know What Keeps Me Going

I'm too fat. Maybe that's it.
Or I'm too ugly. That can't be it because every adult my mom knows has said I'm beautiful.
Maybe I need to work harder on my looks. But there's not much I can do.

I think my friends and some other people are having a party this weekend.
Other friends that aren't invited or some other day are probably going to the mall this weekend... like they do every weekend.
You can probably guess what I'm doing this weekend. Nothing.

I want to cut again. But I'll feel guilty because my dad saw scratches on my arms and told me that my aunt used to cut and I lied and said I didn't.

I seriously do not know how I'm still here, how I am still going to that hell of a school. I'm contemplating homeschooling but then I'll be more lonely. And another, little part of me is hoping that this will pass.
Maybe M is the reason. I don't know. I'm at that point where I don't want to die without knowing if there was/is anything there.
I'm so fucking scared to talk to him because all his friends are asses and I am terrified of getting judged and hurt.

I'm really sorry if I brought you down with this depressing post.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Describes my day perfectly

I have no idea what the hell I did, but all my friends ran away from me, giggling and laughing, and it happened right after A whispered something in their ears. I wanted to flip them off but... I'm not like that... all the time. The funny thing is, something pretty close just happened to J and she just laughed and went along. WTF?? She's super nice and I don't put her down (unlike A- I didn't do anything to her either- and D). Also, just yesterday, someone said I was extremely nice. She wasn't there then... she probably would have went along, too. And then A was all laugh-y and talk-y with me later. WTF, bitch?

Yesterday, M and I got in a little "war". It was cute :). A girl volleyed something to me and I attempted to volley it back but it went over M's head and we kept throwing a bunch of other stuff at each other. He kept laughing and smiling and cursing when he missed me.
Today, he kept kinda looking at me and he looked at the homework I was trying to get done at the end of the day. He's in a higher class and I soo wish he would've asked what I was doing... may have led to me getting his number ;D

Alright, food... good. Could've done better....

Mom got mad cuz she gained 10 lbs/all the weight she lost. Hey me too! bleh >:(... at least my size 4 jeans still fit

Love ya,


(by midnights garden)


ps. If any of you girls, want bigger boobs, take mine. Please.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Goodies :)

Evening, girlies.

Today was good... I guess. I made peas and rice for myself at lunchtime and I barely at half. Just a few bites and I was satisfied.
I decided to bake some treats for the family. Yellow and chocolate cupcakes and brownies with some pecans (we didn't have walnuts). That probably sounds a bit... dangerous, I guess. But...
I made them with pumpkin so they're safe. No oil, no eggs, just pumpkin. And they don't taste like pumpkin and they're still yummy so I guess that's a win, too. Maybe I'll post the recipe later. I'm too worn out right now.

Yesterday was my last day of Level 1 on the 30 Day Shred. I just finished Level 2 and Jillian kicked my ass. My arms hurt even typing this.

Hope you all had a lovely week. I drew a picture for you so I'll have to post that when I finish it :)

Um... yup.
Love ya,
stay strong,

Lots of Thinspo:








thinspo, dark girl, loei, real thinspo




We all kinda want to look like them, right? Or is that just me?

ps. Is the time change messing you up like it is with me?

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I Need a Therapist


I didn't eat any Girl Scout Cookies yesterday and I only had two today so I'm getting better :)
My friends are in a little tiff. Apparently, one set one off about two others and now the two others and the one (that got set off) are not speaking and are very angry at each other. I'm choosing not to get into it. And apparently, 2 of my friends went with the two to the mall and one of my other friends is going to the movies with some of her "besties" tonight... pisses me off.
I try. I'm not clingy but I try. I actually cried to my mom in the parking lot of a store about how I'm alone every fucking weekend (yes, I cursed in front of my mom) and how this mean-ass bitch ruined my reputation and now people don't talk to me as much.

stay strong,

Thursday, March 10, 2011

All Girl Scouts... Go to Hell

I hate hate hate hate Girl Scout cookie season. I simply cannot control myself. A year or two ago, I would've eaten an entire sleeve and then some. I ate... 4 Peanut Butter patties(280) (ugh... mom should not have bought those. Any combination of peanut butter and chocolate is my weakness), 3 Thin Mints (160 for 4... that equals 120), and 3 lemon oreo type cookies (that was a serving... 170)
= 570
... DAMNIT!!!!

When and if I become president, I am banning the selling of Girl Scout cookies, all food that is processed and/or not natural in any way, and... a lot of things, okay?

Alright, I'll have a panic attack if I don't calculate all this together...
Breakfast: 1/2 cup egg beaters (60), Whole-Wheat English Muffin (120), ketchup (30), pear (100)= 310
Lunch: yogurt (140), apple (40), v8 (70)= 250
Disaster: 570
Dinner: unknown
Total (as of now): 1130
Definitely working out tonight... if I ever get all the homework I have done.
I was going to make a lovely dinner... I'll probably have some berries (80) and zucchini (???- but its safe).

Hope you're doing better than me,



ps. The gap between my thighs is getting bigger :). I just have about an inch of fat on my upper thighs left... this makes me smile. Now only if my stomach would follow suit....
pps. My friends suck sometimes. I am alone on the weekends while they go shopping or to the movies or to hang out... I don't even get texts or anything :( (sorry for raining on your happy parade if you had one)