I Don't Know What Keeps Me Going

I'm too fat. Maybe that's it.
Or I'm too ugly. That can't be it because every adult my mom knows has said I'm beautiful.
Maybe I need to work harder on my looks. But there's not much I can do.

I think my friends and some other people are having a party this weekend.
Other friends that aren't invited or some other day are probably going to the mall this weekend... like they do every weekend.
You can probably guess what I'm doing this weekend. Nothing.

I want to cut again. But I'll feel guilty because my dad saw scratches on my arms and told me that my aunt used to cut and I lied and said I didn't.

I seriously do not know how I'm still here, how I am still going to that hell of a school. I'm contemplating homeschooling but then I'll be more lonely. And another, little part of me is hoping that this will pass.
Maybe M is the reason. I don't know. I'm at that point where I don't want to die without knowing if there was/is anything there.
I'm so fucking scared to talk to him because all his friends are asses and I am terrified of getting judged and hurt.

I'm really sorry if I brought you down with this depressing post.

xoxo,
Abbey

Lonely

Describes my day perfectly

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I have no idea what the hell I did, but all my friends ran away from me, giggling and laughing, and it happened right after A whispered something in their ears. I wanted to flip them off but... I'm not like that... all the time. The funny thing is, something pretty close just happened to J and she just laughed and went along. WTF?? She's super nice and I don't put her down (unlike A- I didn't do anything to her either- and D). Also, just yesterday, someone said I was extremely nice. She wasn't there then... she probably would have went along, too. And then A was all laugh-y and talk-y with me later. WTF, bitch?

Yesterday, M and I got in a little "war". It was cute :). A girl volleyed something to me and I attempted to volley it back but it went over M's head and we kept throwing a bunch of other stuff at each other. He kept laughing and smiling and cursing when he missed me.
Today, he kept kinda looking at me and he looked at the homework I was trying to get done at the end of the day. He's in a higher class and I soo wish he would've asked what I was doing... may have led to me getting his number ;D

Alright, food... good. Could've done better....

Mom got mad cuz she gained 10 lbs/all the weight she lost. Hey me too! bleh >:(... at least my size 4 jeans still fit

Love ya,
Abbey

Thinspo:

ps. If any of you girls, want bigger boobs, take mine. Please.

Goodies :)

Evening, girlies.

Today was good... I guess. I made peas and rice for myself at lunchtime and I barely at half. Just a few bites and I was satisfied.
I decided to bake some treats for the family. Yellow and chocolate cupcakes and brownies with some pecans (we didn't have walnuts). That probably sounds a bit... dangerous, I guess. But...
I made them with pumpkin so they're safe. No oil, no eggs, just pumpkin. And they don't taste like pumpkin and they're still yummy so I guess that's a win, too. Maybe I'll post the recipe later. I'm too worn out right now.

Yesterday was my last day of Level 1 on the 30 Day Shred. I just finished Level 2 and Jillian kicked my ass. My arms hurt even typing this.

Hope you all had a lovely week. I drew a picture for you so I'll have to post that when I finish it :)

Um... yup.
Love ya,
stay strong,
Abbey

Lots of Thinspo:

 

We all kinda want to look like them, right? Or is that just me?

ps. Is the time change messing you up like it is with me?

I Need a Therapist

Hello!

I didn't eat any Girl Scout Cookies yesterday and I only had two today so I'm getting better :)
My friends are in a little tiff. Apparently, one set one off about two others and now the two others and the one (that got set off) are not speaking and are very angry at each other. I'm choosing not to get into it. And apparently, 2 of my friends went with the two to the mall and one of my other friends is going to the movies with some of her "besties" tonight... pisses me off.
I try. I'm not clingy but I try. I actually cried to my mom in the parking lot of a store about how I'm alone every fucking weekend (yes, I cursed in front of my mom) and how this mean-ass bitch ruined my reputation and now people don't talk to me as much.

Alright,
stay strong,
Abbey

All Girl Scouts... Go to Hell

I hate hate hate hate Girl Scout cookie season. I simply cannot control myself. A year or two ago, I would've eaten an entire sleeve and then some. I ate... 4 Peanut Butter patties(280) (ugh... mom should not have bought those. Any combination of peanut butter and chocolate is my weakness), 3 Thin Mints (160 for 4... that equals 120), and 3 lemon oreo type cookies (that was a serving... 170)
= 570
... DAMNIT!!!!

When and if I become president, I am banning the selling of Girl Scout cookies, all food that is processed and/or not natural in any way, and... a lot of things, okay?

Alright, I'll have a panic attack if I don't calculate all this together...
Breakfast: 1/2 cup egg beaters (60), Whole-Wheat English Muffin (120), ketchup (30), pear (100)= 310
Lunch: yogurt (140), apple (40), v8 (70)= 250
Disaster: 570
Dinner: unknown
Total (as of now): 1130
shit
Definitely working out tonight... if I ever get all the homework I have done.
I was going to make a lovely dinner... I'll probably have some berries (80) and zucchini (???- but its safe).

Hope you're doing better than me,
Abbey









ps. The gap between my thighs is getting bigger :). I just have about an inch of fat on my upper thighs left... this makes me smile. Now only if my stomach would follow suit....
pps. My friends suck sometimes. I am alone on the weekends while they go shopping or to the movies or to hang out... I don't even get texts or anything :( (sorry for raining on your happy parade if you had one)

9:07pm

Sometimes I like how I look and other times I want to smash the mirror and use the broken glass to cut everything off.

Lent and Fat Tuesday (oh s**t)

I read Emma's post (thanks for following, by the way :3) about Lent and giving things up for Jesus, who sacrificed himself on the cross. Lent is supposed to show God how much we love him by sacrificing something or "fasting".
I'm Catholic and I've been celebrating the Lenten holiday since I knew how to... probably since 2nd grade.
This year, I am giving up quite a few things. Maybe 3... those are the more personal ones which I don't really want to share on the internet. But I guess the 4th one would be no junk food.
I think our teachers taught us to give up one thing and replace it with another. So, more exercise, less junk food. Oh and I kinda need to pray more....
What are you doing for Lent? And if you don't celebrate/ don't believe (I respect that) in this holiday, what do you want to do to make yourself a better person?

Okay so... M looked at me and in a sort of happy smile-y way... which made me happy. One of my friends was being kinda bitchy... I didn't do anything so I don't see why she had to act that way. But I don't really care.

I didn't pig out but... DAMN YOU, GIRL SCOUTS!!  Mom brought home a box of  Peanut Butter whatevers and I had 3... damnit.



ps. Mardi Gras (aka Fat Tuesday) is tomorrow. Great... sarcasm. They'll probably give us that sugary King cake... yummy... I was kidding.